That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
