I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
