My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
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I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
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But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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