allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
