and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
