the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Randomize
