Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
