I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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