i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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