He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
