We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
