Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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