I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
