I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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