I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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