Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
