Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
our cab driver is having phone sex.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
