y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
