the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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