I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
