do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
