Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
