Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
