I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
