hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
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Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
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A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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