God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
