Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
