I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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