She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
