im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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