how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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