I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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