Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
