why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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