my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
