Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
