It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
