I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
