I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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