Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
