I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
