my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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