somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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