hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
