I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
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I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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