I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
