why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
