i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
