My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
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I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
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The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.