Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?