then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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