I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
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I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
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I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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