don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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