the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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