i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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