The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
