did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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