I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
