im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
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You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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