the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
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1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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