This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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