He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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