Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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