my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
