My cat gives me a boner
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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