I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
